Tuesday, December 06, 2011

Agora: Just a Little Talk with Jesus

Will, the bartender, stands staring at the matter compiler sitting on the corner of the bar. A tiny, frustrated voice echoes from within. Reverend Carl's scheme to remix Jesus using sacramental bread and wine appears to have worked.

"Seriously?" Will asks.

Beth sits at the bar, while John Cates stands nearby, momentarily distracted from his quest to obtain the cheese omelet that is his Heart's Desire. Bud, a rather enigmatic figure, remains sitting at the opposite end of the bar.

The multicolored seed winks from inside a terracotta ashtray.


Little Jesus said...

Little Jesus, naked and peeping out from around one corner of the matter compiler, frowns with a blend of irritation and thought:

“OK, I get it. This is another one of those alternate universes, right? Looks like earth… so is this the one where Sarah Palin eventually gets elected? I haven’t been to that one yet, I mean not for my Second Coming…”

Sobs are heard in the background; John Cates, who closely identifies with the Democratic Agenda, has his head done on his arms. His upper back and shoulders shudder violently. It’s like someone has moved his political cheese big-time – knocked it to the floor – and it’s gut-wrenching.

“And it appears that ONCE AGAIN,” Jesus continues heatedly, “somebody or other used sacramental bread and wine but forgot to bless the cheese. That’s an important part of the ritual OR YOU’RE OBVIOUSLY LEFT WITH A NAKED JESUS if you put the stuff into a matter compiler. Jeez…

“And I honestly don’t get why the cheese always seems to get left out of the scriptural depiction of my Last Supper. That’s the problem here. I mean, we obviously HAD cheese with the bread and wine, duh. But you guys always leave out the part at the end where I raise my slice overhead and say ‘This is my cheese and it shall be my crowing glory, for in the end it is YOUR cheese.’”

Jesus has a slideshow. Camera pans to the wall high behind the bar. It’s a painting of the Last Supper:

In this painting, Jesus has just placed a large slice of cheese on his head – and it has become a golden crown of Cheese. The Seven are shown wearing various expressions of delighted surprise and surprised delight, except for one, who appears quizzical.

Matthew said...

"Um," Will says, "If you're Jesus, couldn't you just kind of ..." he wiggles his fingers "... magic yourself some clothes?"

Little Jesus said...

Little Jesus, visibly annoyed:

“’ Magic myself clothes…’ Look: the Father lets me do certain miracles – that’s it. I would have liked having that fig out of season. I would have liked that woman to have fetched me a towel instead of using her hair. THAT sure doesn’t work, let me tell you.

“You remember how I prayed in the garden the night before? What do you think that was about? Getting crucified isn’t exactly ascension magic…”

“The Father has certain requirements. All I know is I need one slice of cheese – American – that’s been blessed and put into this microwave or whatever. Unless people want me going around like a flower of the field. And believe me, without my kingly Golden Crown of Cheese I won’t be attention-getting. People don’t want a naked Jesus. It’s understandable in a way.”

Matthew said...

"So you can't magic up any cheese either?" Will asks.

He begins rummaging about under the bar.

"If you don't mind my asking," he says as he rummages, "If he doesn't let you do clothes or cheese, what kind of miracles does he let you do? And why those?"

Will rises, holding a cloth napkin, which he hangs over the open door of the MC.

"Sorry about the napkin, but if you need American cheese you'll have to come out of the MC first."

Little Jesus said...

Little Jesus carefully wraps himself in the Shroud of Napkin.

“Yeah... why does the Father only let me do certain miracles and not others? I’ve asked myself that a lot. Especially about the crucifixion and ascension.

“When I was praying in the garden the night before I kept going, ‘Father – there’s gotta be an easier way, right? Couldn’t I just ascend right after giving another major talk?'

“I tried to suggest a ‘Sermon from the Knoll.’ My last line was gonna be, ‘And blessed am I, for I shall not have to be crucified.’

“But He wouldn’t hear of it…”

crystal said...


Paul has told me your son isn't well. Sorry - wish there was some way to help.

Matthew said...

Thanks, Crystal. Knowing you care is enough.

crystal said...

Merry Christmas, Matthew - I hope it's a happy one for your family!

crystal said...

Matthew, thanks for commenting on my blog. How are you and your son?

Anonymous said...
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